Mesa Falls Half Marathon

Two years ago

At 11:00 p.m. on August 12, 2015, our identities forever changed. From that moment until the day I die, when I say, “We have six children”, I will wonder: should I mention David? Do I want a total stranger to feel forced to offer condolences? Will sharing my grief cast a pall on a casual conversation? Will I be judged as malingering, wallowing in my grief, not moving on? Will I be the one judging myself harshly?

So, I continue to say, “We have six children”, but constantly debate whether to bring the subject of David’s death into first-time conversations.

Mesa Falls Half Marathon

On Saturday, Matt completed 31 of his 50 planned marathons (His goal is to run one in each state). He had chosen the Mesa Falls Marathon in Ashton, Idaho, since it coincided with our annual Summer Retreat and total eclipse trip. Peter and Matt ran full marathons, R’el, Xiomara, and Annie ran half marathons, Sam and Savannah ran the 5K, and I walked the half (in 3 hours and 44 minutes: my personal best).

Within the first mile of my walk I struck up a conversation with Karen from Indiana, a woman very near my age. We were setting similar paces, so we ended up walking the entire route together. Somewhere near mile 8 of 13.1 the subject of children came up and I said, as I always do, “We have six children.” I didn’t immediately mention David, and debated a bit, but when she asked with sincere interest where each lived, I included David in my tally.

It felt like a turning point. I took a leap and risked the label of malingerer. I realized that part of my story of motherhood is David’s death and my grief. Anyone who thinks about it (including myself) and has a gentle heart will recognize that I never will ‘get over it’. The risk is mostly an internal struggle in me. I build a wall around my heart. I don’t bring it up to preempt anyone else criticizing me, even silently.