End of April

End of April 2016

As I stated in this blog, Easter Sunday (March 27) was painfully difficult for me this year. What I didn’t state then was that the day I wrote that post I started the following week’s entry, “Well, this week was better.” It wasn’t.
Last Friday (April 22) I had my biweekly therapist appointment. I’m still struggling with the persistent idea I have that recovery from grief should be linear, that every week will bring a lessening of the pain. It’s just not so. I have happy times, I’m functioning, but when the hurt comes it is as intense and debilitating as ever.
I recognized going into it that Patriots’ Day would be hard, stirring up memories of the past two holidays. On Patriots’ Day 2014 we were in Massachusetts and David was at Walter Reed, recovering from an appendectomy and dealing with chemo effects. Patriots’ Day 2015 saw him at home, 10 months after the failed bone marrow transplant. My therapist, also a David, pointed out to me that Patriots’ Day was also hard because it was a family gathering with David missing. R’el, Peter and Xiomara and little Andrew and Victoria, and Annie, all the way from Idaho, were here to cheer Matt on at the Boston Marathon. Four kids in Massachusetts, one in California working, and one dead. Odd, that I didn’t consciously recognize that connection. A hospice mailing talked about ‘grief police’. That’s people who think it’s time to ‘get over it’ and move along. My most unsympathetic grief policing comes from within. I need friends who can remind me that this isn’t something to ‘get over’; it’s something to live with.

End of April 2014

With our niece’s wedding in Utah successfully attended, my latest crisis is over. David seems stable and the report from Bethesda is that there’s not need to rush back. However, I feel drained, limp with exhaustion. I expected to take long walks every day in Utah: didn’t happen. (It hardly ever does when I travel, why do I keep expecting it?) I sleep long, with many dreams floating just below the surface as I wake enervated.

David’s second round of chemo concluded Thursday evening, April 24. He sounds good on the phone. And his email on April 29 is downright chipper:

Results are in and Sam is a perfect match as a bone marrow donor. Results for other siblings are still pending, except for Reutron who definitely is not a match. R'el, do you want me to help you start a vicious rumor that you were adopted?
I've talked to Sam tonight to let him know. He's fine with letting everyone know, so this is bloggable.
Everything is now dependent on how the leukemia fared under the second round of chemo. If the second round accomplished its proper effect, the transplant could happen in six weeks. Otherwise it would be further down the road. That's about as much we know now.