SWIM!

I’ve continued to think about my campaign to end whining in my life. “Stop whining!” developed into “Stop whining, Mary!”, then “Stop whining immediately, Mary!” and finally: “Stop Whining Instantly, Mary!” I love acronyms and I love swimming. “SWIM”. I love the feeling of moving through the water; I want to move through life.

And what have I been whining about? My inability to read and retain information. Last week, I had a break-through. Jim and I were driving his sister, Mary, (the original Mary Johnston) to O’Hare airport in Chicago. They were talking about books. Instead of envying them, unable to join in the conversation, I quietly listened, enjoying their knowledge and appreciation of good writing.

Where did my disability come from? I remember quite clearly, 22 years ago, when I first started taking a psych med, feeling dull and slow-thinking. I could only read comics in the Boston Globe, no articles and certainly not a book. Kay Redfield Jamison, my hero memoir-writer, describes a similar symptom. My ability improved and I don’t have clear recollection of the intervening years. About ten years ago, I told a woman at DBSA-Boston (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance) that I struggled with reading. It was all I could do to read my scriptures. She smiled and said, "I'm glad you can read your spiritual writings." I hadn’t appreciated what I did have. She had just returned from Israel and had brought back small gifts for her friends at DBSA. Even though she hardly knew me, she gave me a small, translucent stone with the word “miracle” etched in it. Perhaps looking at the stone would help make a change in my life.

I appreciated her optimistic attitude and, over time, reading has gotten easier.

I’m at the point in my life (I’m 61), that I can’t say for sure what causes any of the problems I deal with. Back in 1995, when I was 39, I could see clearly that the psych med changed my thinking and abilities. Later I learned that manic depression is a progressive disease. The psych meds keep the symptoms at bay. Is the underlying illness contributing to my symptoms? I have a harder time reading when I’m depressed.

And now, in my sixties, age starts playing a role. If my symptoms worsen, perhaps it’s the age-factor.

Whatever it is, and it must be a combination of factors, whining does nothing but slow me down.

Each time my son Matt suggested audiobooks, I resisted. I won’t be able to remember what I’ve heard; I will get distracted and miss things. But, when I stopped whining and to took his advice, I was excited with the results. Listening to an excellent narrator read with energy and expression, I am able to follow and retain. As the weather improves with the change of season, I look forward to long walks accompanied by great ideas and literature.